Before my double mastectomy, my doctors told me I wouldn’t feel much except for numbness in my chest. I’m happy to say that they were wrong. I’m also in a great deal of pain because they were wrong. Nerve pain is real, and apparently both the biopsy on my left breast and the mastectomy of my right breast did some nerve damage. Almost from the beginning, this pain had a form, the form of a red, burning fire dragon.
After I fell asleep at 1:30am, I don’t think I moved all night and when I woke up this morning, the entire fire dragon was flaming. Because the pain was excruciating, I felt motivated to try to figure out what my dragon – yes, I already think of it as “my” fire dragon – looks like.
Its head has gold/red lava eyes glancing out from my back languidly, slightly hooded, confident in its power. I don’t yet know if it’s female or male, or what it may wish to be called. These are details for later.
I just know that it’s taken up residence from my right scapula across my back, around my side and over my chest to my sternum from the left. Its body and tail stretch horizontally across my back. It is sleek and aerodynamic. Its wings tucked back along its sides and its legs drawn up against its body as if it has just dived from a high point, and is now smoothly gliding across a horizontal plane.
I do know that nothing seems to touch the red hot searing pain it causes when awakened. I try to let it sleep.
Images of many fire dragons show them breathing fire. Mine IS fire with golden and blue black tendrils of flame throughout its body.
In dragon lore, red fire dragons are proud, fierce, and vengeful. I have direct experience with those qualities. In Chinese culture, a red fire dragon symbolizes good fortune, happiness, and good luck. I hope that all these symbols are equally true.
I grew up reading the Dragonriders of Pern books by Anne McCaffrey. My little girl self yearned to impress on a dragon, making us partners for life. I may want to be more careful what I wish.
I’ve now taken pain meds and a muscle relaxer, and I’m more comfortable and a little more relaxed. Hoping to sleep. Rest fire dragon. Rest.
Deborah's Deliberations 