Today we must part. I have loved you, appreciated you, marveled at you, been irritated and frustrated by you. Our relationship has definitely been a complex one. But now that you have decided you want to try to kill me, we have to part ways.
I wish you well in “boob Valhalla”. We must continue our journeys apart. I will continue my long happy life without you. I have conflicting feelings about this. I keep joking with Andrew that we can run away to Mexico rather than have the surgery to remove you today, but that would not really be productive. I can’t run away from you.
As I was growing up, you were very small and I was very self-conscious about that, especially as everyone else around me had larger breasts. A friend in college noted my discomfort when someone made a joke about me being flat chested. He pulled me close and whispered in my ear, “more than a mouthful is a waste.” I found that comment both titillating and empowering (pun intended). After that I held you, my tiny perky breasts with pride.
You fed my son. Nursing him was the most amazing experience. To be able to give a baby who had come from my body sustenance – from my body was so special and precious. I loved the end of the day when I rocked him in the rocking chair and nursed him before he went to sleep. I didn’t like it so much when he started biting you. That was when I knew it was time to stop nursing him. Similarly, I know it is now time to release you.
You were tiny and perky until after Alyssa was born and I loved nursing her too. The intimacy and connection that I felt with her was incredible and in the rocking chair at night, feeding her one last time before she slept, I found bliss. It was a precious part of my day. Yssy loved nursing. I think she would’ve nursed for a lot longer, but I had to go on a trip. Stopping nursing her was difficult. It made me sad.
Removing you today is difficult. It makes me sad.
An unexpected positive side effect was that I kept my nursing breasts and suddenly I had a respectable chest. I have loved my breasts in terms of size and shape for 30 years because that’s how long I’ve had you.
You have been part of my self image, and a precious part of my sensual and sexual life.
Today, though. It’s time for me to release you, to set you free. We no longer have anything to offer one another. I am simply not willing to give a blood supply to the cancer you’ve decided you want to grow, although I have loved you, you are no longer part of my life.
Thank you for all you have done in my life. I wish you speedy travels.
Deborah's Deliberations 