Category Archives: Motherhood Honesty

On Serendipity, Connection, and Finding a Sister on the Other Side of the World

Posted on March 3, 2024 | 4 comments

“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” – Brian A. “Drew” Chalker. Victorine Mbong Shu came into my life for a reason, has stayed for a season, and remains a strong part of my life.

Our relationship was serendipitous from the start. Victorine sent me a friend request on Facebook. Seems simple enough, but the impacts for both of us have been profound. As I often do when someone I don’t know sends me a friend request, I checked Victorine’s friends list. Our common friends were well respected colleagues. I accepted her invitation.

Soon after we became “friends”, Victorine posted a call for stories for a book on Motherhood Honesty. I had a story I had been burning to tell for decades. I messaged to ask if it would be appropriate for me to submit a story. She said “yes” and within 24 hours I sent her my story. I literally sat down and wrote it in one sitting. I’m a writer. Usually I don’t write quite that quickly.

Victorine accepted my story for her book and asked if I would be willing to read another mother’s submission. I agreed, edited it, and sent it back immediately. This was followed by a second story and a third. V asked if I would be interested in co-editing the anthology. I jumped at the chance. Covid lockdown had me looking for a meaningful project. This opportunity was just what I needed, a chance to help mothers’ claim their voices while trying to keep those I loved safe during the pandemic.

Over 10 long, exciting, arduous months, our book grew until we shared it with the world on International Women’s Day (March 8, 2022) in Johannesburg, South Africa. The symmetry of our book of motherhood stories taking roughly the same amount of time to complete as the gestation of a human baby and the date of the launch on the international day celebrating women filled me with joy!

Victorine invited me to help plan the launch. Of course she invited me to attend, but COVID! She upped the stakes, inviting me to MC the event. I was coaching 3 mother/authors who would be presenting their stories at the event. I had to be there! After much back and forth, and encouragement from my partner, Andrew, who reminded me that I’ve lived my life embracing unexpected opportunities and traveling the world, I overcame my fears, bought my ticket, and flew!

The launch and my experiences in South Africa were delight filled re-entries into the world of travel and cultural exploration. Victorine asked if I would like to stay at her home. I gladly accepted. I was excited to see how she lived. I was out shopping for gifts to take to her and her family when Victorine messaged me asking if I would mind sleeping on a straw mat on the floor with her as that was the only space available. I had just found a gorgeous crystal vase that I planned to bring to her. Her question made me rethink as I wondered what her home life was really like. I didn’t want to give her something that would be out of place, inappropriate, or not useful. I opted instead for a lovely crystal Swarovski pen. I got one for each of us to commemorate our collaboration. This was my introduction to Victorine’s wicked sense of humor. She and her family actually live in a lovely large compound, and the vase would have fit beautifully there.

Her family welcomed me with open arms and I am now auntie to her four children. We all cooked, laughed, and played together. They introduced me to local delicacies; I introduced them to cheesy garlic bread. It was invigorating to explore the world again.

The following October, it was my turn. I invited Victorine to come to the U.S. to present our work at the Organization for the Study of Communication, Language, and Gender conference in Minneapolis Minnesota. This was V’s first trip to the U.S. and her first academic conference. As I knew she would, she fully embraced this experience, making connections with new colleagues, and memorably sharing our and her own research.

After a month exploring the U.S., Victorine returned to South Africa and she and I started working on our next book, soliciting stories about Fatherhood Honesty. We anticipate publication of that book in either June or September 2024, one of the two Father’s Day events celebrated around the world. This book will be followed by anthologies on Sibling Honesty and Grandparent Honesty.

I’ve supported Victorine in her quest to earn her doctorate. She’s supported me as I’ve worked to develop my coaching business. She attended my virtual workshop “Claim Your Power! Transform Your Life! 3 Steps to Identify Your Strengths to Step into Your Dream Future” for women facing life transitions in November, 2023. Following the workshop, she thanked me for helping her “find the me I hadn’t realized I had lost.” After the workshop, she asked me if I would be willing to do something similar for teens. She felt that the stress of Covid, schooling from home, and related logistics, as well as the typical stresses teens experience were taking a toll. Other mothers in the Motherhood Honesty Facebook group were expressing similar concerns. In February, I facilitated a 90 minute virtual workshop titled, “Step into Your Strengths! Claim your Power! Manage Stress and Anxiety!” to 19 teens in South Africa, including 3 of Victorine’s children – all because Victorine asked me to.

I have no idea where the future will take us, but over the last three years, when I have needed a nudge, support, encouragement, or an awesome opportunity, Victorine has been there to supply them.

Her original reason to reach out was my reputation in the communication discipline. To my delight, she gave me the opportunity to write for her (our) book. Those moments started a season of support and encouragement that helps each of us, encourages us to be our best and continues to benefit both of us as our friendship grows and deepens. I am so fortunate to have this woman in my life.

I cannot express my gratitude enough. Thank you, sis! Thank you for sending me a friend request. Thank you for the Motherhood, Honesty book, and for inviting me to both author a story and co-edit the book. Thank you for encouraging me to offer workshops. Thank you for helping me explore South Africa. Thank you for your friendship! I can’t wait to see what we do together in the future. Onward!

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Posted in Family Stories, Healthy Relationships, Motherhood Honesty, New Adventures, On writing

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Connection, preemies, and African violets

Posted on March 21, 2022 | 2 comments

I’ve been thinking about African violets today. When I was little and just starting to learn about plants, my grandmother told me that African violets thrive best when the leaves of different plants touch one another. I am like an African violet. Touch and connection are critical if I am to thrive.

I’m thinking about connection because of an experience I had this morning. Andrew has a cool brain wave machine to help you relax, sleep, concentrate, or whatever you need to do. It has alpha, gamma, delta, and beta waves depending upon what program you choose. I haven’t been sleeping very well (jet lag) so I was going for relaxation, alpha waves. I’ve only tried the machine three times and each time I’ve had some really interesting insights. I write about today’s insights below.

There are a lot of amazing and wonderful things going on in my life, but I’ve also been feeling a level of angst and distress that I couldn’t explain.

I realized during the session this morning that my distress is about connection. I view connection as the most basic and fundamental of human needs.

I was born two months prematurely and spent the first month of my life in an incubator. I was born in my grandmother‘s home and the doctor, who arrived shortly after my birth, immediately took me away from my mother and rushed me to the hospital. He put my mother to bed for two weeks to recover, because apparently that’s what you did at that time. My aunt, who became my godmother, came to visit my mother shortly after my birth. She came to the hospital to see me as well, once. Because I was in an incubator for the first month of my life, I was not held. I was touched minimally. The belief was that I needed all of my energy and attention to be focused on growth. During that month, I largely grew alone.

My father and his parents met the doctor at the hospital almost immediately upon my arrival there. They could only see me in the incubator across the room.

This reality of separation has led me on a lifelong journey seeking connection. I have not been very successful at achieving that. I am estranged from my biological family for reasons I will not get into here. I do not communicate with my mother or any of my siblings. I thought I had found enduring connection with my husband. I felt that we were soul mates. While we were wonderful together for a long time, that ended as well. We have two children, a son and a daughter. I felt so connected to and needed by these amazing beings. I was their center, I grounded them as they grew. When they were born I wished for both of them to be strong, loving, and independent. They are both exactly that, in their own unique ways, and so much more. I wished for them to be close to one another always, to be able to rely on one another. After all our siblings are often the longest relationships of our lives. My siblings and I were not raised that way. Closeness with my siblings was what I desired, and so, what I wished for my children.

With Covid, and the trajectories of our lives, I have felt my connections with my children weakening. Not our love for one another, but our willingness to reach out to one another both for casual everyday connection, and in time of need. Maybe that’s just a natural part of the growth process. My children are adults with their own lives.

Our weakening connections have been especially hard. I view our connections as part of what makes us strong and able to manage anything that we’re faced with in life. I do not believe that any one person can ever meet all of the needs of another person. I believe that all of our important relationships offer something unique and of value that is irreplaceable. I have often said that the reason I am able to go out big in the world is because I have my people to come home to, figuratively if not literally.

Being locked down through Covid and physically separated from my son and daughter for longer than ever before has been extremely hard on me. I haven’t seen my son in two years. I’ve been fortunate to have seen my daughter several times during this time, but far less than usual. The physical distance is hard.

I am blessed with a wonderful partner, also a preemie, who loves me, understands me, and supports me more fully than anyone ever has. He truly sees me and his desire for connection matches mine. I am fortunate that I have found my home with him. He is my person. He is my heart.

In many cultures around the world the bonds within families, the bonds between parents and children endure and are strong for a lifetime. I wonder why in our culture we push so hard for independence and doing things on your own. That seems unnecessarily difficult to me. I wish that we could recognize the importance and significance of the basic human need for connection. I wish we cherished and nurtured those connections that make life so much fuller and richer.

Maybe I feel this need for connection more strongly than others do because of that first month of going it alone in an incubator. Maybe that’s why I understand the African violet’s need to touch in order to thrive.

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Posted in Family, Growth, Health and Healing, Healthy Relationships, Motherhood, Motherhood Honesty, Mothers

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