I was rolled in for surgery a little before 1:30 in the afternoon on May 8. I handled everything well that morning, having radioactive dye injected into my breast, meeting with Dr Vito, my cancer surgeon, and Dr Lin, my plastic surgeon, having an IV port put in my hand, talking through anesthesia and discussing how I often respond to it with Dr Paik, having my vitals checked, having the contour of my breasts traced with magic marker, keeping a stiff upper lip.
I was focusing on the moment, staying calm, and keeping it together.
Once I was rolled into the operating room, that changed. I was overcome with fear. I felt total terror. I had no control over what was going to happen to my body next. I had no control over what the pathology results were going to be. I wanted to run. Of course there was nowhere to run. I couldn’t run away from the parts of my body that were not functioning in a healthy manner. But I desperately wanted to run.
The OR team was attentive and kind. They saw the shift in my facial expressions. They saw my eyes fill with tears. They looked me in the eyes, stroked my hand, talked to me, and helped me relax a bit. They gave me oxygen and started the anesthesia. I relaxed as the medication took hold and closed my eyes to the sounds of 80s music playing in the operating room.
Deborah's Deliberations 