Today’s post is one of gratitude. I finally got my second set of drains out, and I feel so much freer. I’m still on house arrest for another week, which means walking back-and-forth to the bathroom and to the second room in our little suite, but that’s it. If Andrew takes me to a restaurant, he has to drop me off at the door and pick me up at the door. If we decide to go for a walk or to the mall next door, I have to sit in the wheelchair. I still can’t lift anything over 5 pounds, but I can shower whenever I want!!! 💃💃💃
The last 3+ weeks since my double mastectomy have certainly been an adventure, and I have learned some things.
1. Trust: Having a medical team you trust is pure gold. My breast cancer surgeon is both renowned in her field and an ex-student. She was the top graduate in her class as an undergrad, and I was her mentor. She responded quickly when my mammogram showed areas of concern. She facilitated mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies, and an MRI. She encouraged me to get genetic testing. Most importantly, she put together an amazing team for me and has supported my every step. She made the stages of grief so much easier as I undertook this cancer journey. I could just relax into my trust. I have felt all the things – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance (still working on this one), but mostly I’ve felt cared for and supported.
2. Pain management: Pain is no joke and managing it can be a complex process requiring clarity, advocacy, and assertiveness. (I’ll write more about this in a later post.) Just know that it’s hard to do for yourself when you’re the one feeling the pain. Sometimes it takes so much energy. Have a good advocate and coach your advocate on what you need.
3. Cry: Crying is cathartic and it feels good sometimes and frustrating others. That’s ok. I’ve learned that I cry out of pain, out of frustration, and out of joy. That’s all important!
4. Take a longer view: A good friend reminded me not to get mired down in the day-to-day – especially if the day is disappointing – but to take a longer view of progress. Over the last weeks: My arms have gotten more flexible; I can do more for myself including washing my face, brushing my teeth and hair, and putting on makeup. I can now go out to eat. I can toss snacks to Kloi (our cat). I have a bit more stamina. So many little things that add up to real progress. And now my drains are out!!!
5. Be vulnerable: Vulnerability leads to care and grace. My counselor told me that if I ask others for what I need rather than pretending I have it all together I allow them to provide service and to grow as they help me. That might have been my hardest lesson yet. I’m always open to helping others, but when I need help I always fear I’ll be a burden. Weird contradiction, I know.
6. Get counseling: Cancer sucks! And seeing someone who’s paid to listen and offer insights is invaluable. I’m seeing a counselor and I highly recommend it. As part of the breast cancer program here at Providence, St. Jude in Fullerton, Ca, I get a certain number of visits. While talking to friends and family is important, venting to someone who I’m not afraid to hurt with my sadness or despair, or frustration is very helpful. I also share my joys and small successes. And he offers me unique perspectives.
7. Grace, patience, and self kindness: Giving myself, grace, and approaching this situation with patience is probably the best thing I do for my mental health. I’m not perfect at it, but I don’t get down on myself; I don’t judge myself; I try to stay calm and accept whatever the moment is presenting me. And I cry. A lot! But I already said that.
8. Love your people; love your pet(s): Opening myself up to my people (and Kloi), allowing them to share my journey, accepting their care and companionship makes me feel less alone. Plus they each have a unique view or approach that I find uplifting.
9. Be careful not to isolate yourself: I know that since my surgery, I’ve isolated myself a bit. I’m kind with myself about this because I recognize it’s not my typical way of being in the world. That said, this is not a typical situation. Another friend told me to trust myself and what I need, that this time is about me and accepting what I’m feeling without judgment. I get to be in charge and focus on my needs. There’s no right way to do this, but it’s important to put myself first – not necessarily a comfortable position for me.
10. Follow whatever spiritual practice works for you: It helps to recognize that I am part of something bigger than myself, that God, source, the universe, my higher self have me. I will get through this – whatever that looks like. For me, seeking out the beauty around me is the clearest indication that I am not alone.
I’m sure there will be many more lessons as I proceed on this cancer journey, but today, I’m just grateful my drains are finally out. And now, I’m going to take a shower! 💃💃💃
Deborah's Deliberations 