Today it’s two months and one week since my double mastectomy surgery. I’ve learned so much about so many things during this time. Words like oncotype and aromatase inhibitors, breast expanders, fat grafting.
I recognize how fortunate I am to have the diagnosis I have, to have the quality of care I have received from my medical team, to have an incredible support team of family and friends. I realize how lucky I am to have good insurance.
I am lucky. I also recognize that this is ridiculously hard. It all happened so fast. I didn’t really have an opportunity to think and plan or prepare. My opportunity was simply to relax into the realities, to trust my healthcare team, and to walk the path I had chosen through this breast cancer journey. I have done those things with confidence and certainty. 
At various points I have thought that the journey was over. When my cancer surgeon said “You are cancer free.” for example. When I got the drains out of my chest, when the plan for injections into my expanders was finalized. One of the most important days was when I got my oncotype results back and discovered that I wouldn’t need radiation or chemotherapy and that the odds of cancer recurrence was 6% in nine years if I don’t take aromatic inhibitors, 3% if I do. I saw what I thought were endings. They were not.
I’m still in pain a lot. I’m still really tired. Some nights I get reasonably good sleep thanks to the HHC supplements I take. Some nights I get almost no sleep because of muscle and joint aches which are side effects of the medication I’m on, the aromatase inhibitor (which I will take daily for the next 5 years) and the medication to reduce hot flashes.
As my injured nerves heal, the searing pain across my back has moderated into a deeper ache, which is much more manageable. My fire dragon sleeps more often than not now.
Before we returned home after the month and a half we spent in California, I had hoped to have a timeline and a plan for what comes next. I didn’t want to bring this experience home without clear next steps.
Unfortunately, my expanders are not yet dropping into my chest the way my plastic surgeon wants them to. That means we’re in a holding pattern at least for a few months until they do. Then reconstruction can begin. He assumes that will require several more surgeries as he will have to not only replace the expanders with silicone implants, but also do significant fat grafting in several areas.
My experience of the expanders under the muscles of my chest continue to range from slightly irritating to moderately achy to sharp and stabbing, depending on the moment. The last three days they have strongly committed to stabbing pain every time I move my left arm. I know this is a good sign. It means my expander is finally starting to move into the position we hope for. It is also painful and limits my movement and capacity. And I know that my right breast cannot be far behind because it has to shift down as well. I’m really not hypersensitive to pain, but this process has been consistently painful. Pain is tiring.
While all of these things are true, and sometimes they overwhelm my perception, it is also true that I am living my life. The picture in this post is of my husband and me celebrating our one month wedding anniversary. Several nights ago we took my daughter and her partner to dinner to celebrate their birthdays. We had a fabulous time! Good food, laughter, and delightful conversation. We cruise Costco or the mall. We watch movies. I drove twice this week. I love my life.
I know that I am fortunate. I know this is all a process and I just need to stay patient and engage in self care. I know a year from now all the parts that can will be behind me. I know that in this moment it’s still a lot some days.
Deborah's Deliberations 