As many of you have noticed, I’ve been much quieter the last couple months than I was before, in the early days following my breast cancer diagnosis.
I want to remain transparent and I’m doing so. I’m writing, but I’ve discovered a need to pull in, to conserve my strength, to focus on me more than I ever have in my life. That means I’m not reaching out as much as usual. That doesn’t mean I don’t love it when you reach out. It doesn’t mean I don’t care. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean that your friendship is not absolutely precious to me. It just means that right now my energy is spent on healing and focusing inward rather than externally.
This is a strange situation, breast cancer and recovery, nothing I ever would have expected. I’m still having a level of trouble, even accepting the fact that I had breast cancer. I say had breast cancer because my doctor tells me she got it all with great margins. I say had breast cancer because my oncotype scores are really good and indicate very low likelihood of cancer coming back. Even though I had cancer, I’ll be spending the next five years taking aromatase inhibitors and other meds, which suppress hormone creation and manage side effects. The kind of cancer I had feeds on hormones. We want to make sure it doesn’t come back.
My outcomes are better than I ever could have asked for or anticipated, not counting the double mastectomy part. This is still a slog. It’s a lot! Some days I’m afraid. Some days I’m tired. Some days I’m energetic and positive and hopeful. Some days I feel like an alien in my body. Some days I feel perfectly myself.
The key to this adventure is learning to stay kind to myself no matter what kind of day I’m having.
Thank you for caring! Thank you for reaching out. Thank you for being patient when I don’t reply quickly. The love and support of my friends and family mean more than I can say. I’ll be back out. But for now, I still need some time to focus inward. But you are in my heart and my thoughts. And I am grateful for you.
Deborah's Deliberations 