A beautiful sunny day, a gentle breeze, and being content in the moment

I sit outside at a table with an umbrella on this cool, lovely, sunny morning. i’m wearing long yoga pants and an Oceanside sweatshirt that my daughter got me. Around my neck is a hummingbird necklace gifted to me by my son as I started this adventure. A breeze gently blows through my hair and caresses my skin. It’s good to be alive.

I’ve always believed that every day was a gift and on this journey, I am more convinced than ever that this is true. It’s also true that some moments are incredibly rough.

With all the accidents and injuries I’ve had in my life I thought I had a pretty good pain tolerance. That said, I was not ready for the pain involved in a breast cancer diagnosis, a double mastectomy, starting reconstruction, and just managing healing. There’s pain on so many levels, physical, emotional, spiritual (so many different types of physical pain). My identity feels squishy and somewhat nebulous, but I recognize that’s due to the moment I’m navigating. I am who I am. That will not change. I am strong. I am optimistic. I am independent. I am a warrior. To paraphrase the immortal words of Commander Taggart in Galaxy Quest, “(I) never give up and (I) never surrender.”

Some things happened this week that were frustrating and disappointing. My plastic surgeon decided that my expanders were still sitting too high in my chest, so he didn’t want to do my last full expansion this week. He only did half. And rather than planning for my reconstruction for two months from now, he wants to wait. Apparently if my expanders relax on their own, it’s a much simpler surgery. If they don’t, he has to deal with readjusting scar tissue, and the outcome, I guess, will be less positive. So I’m digging down and finding my patience to wait, to realize that I am just at the beginning stages of this whole process.

I have the most incredible support system. I am so blessed with family and friends who love me, who reach out to me, who provide expertise and information, who provide shoulders when I’m sad or overwhelmed. On this journey, whenever I have needed something the person who had the ability to provide, it has appeared. Breezy, one of my new daughters (by marriage) gifted me with a wonderful cushion vest that I can wear in the car to protect my chest from the seatbelt. Fortunately, for me now, she works at a bra spa and is helping me navigate the kind of support I need now that I don’t have to just use ace wraps any more. That whole concept has been overwhelming to me and having someone in my corner who is an expert is such a gift.

I’m just sitting here, pondering the idea that we can be underwhelmed and overwhelmed, but we can’t just be whelmed. I think I’d like to be whelmed for a while.

So on this beautiful Friday morning, I sit out by this lovely pool surrounded by palm trees and flowers, and I breathe, content in the knowledge that I am, content in the knowledge that I will be, content in the knowledge that I have all the resources I need to get through this. Thanks for listening!