I just talked with my best friend Mary this morning. It was extremely therapeutic. Like many people, she’s curious about what’s going on with me, so I don’t burden her when I tell her. Unfortunately, that’s still a hurdle I have to get over in my mind before I call her. I wonder why that is. I wonder why my being there for other people is never an inconvenience, but I’m always convinced that my needing someone to be there for me will be. I don’t want to make people feel bad. I don’t want to dampen the joy of their day. I don’t want to be a burden.
This morning I was feeling, overwhelmed, frustrated, and a bit defeated. Apparently being off house arrest and able to walk around more freely doesn’t mean I’m ready for a marathon. It doesn’t mean I’ll have energy or the stamina to do what I want to do. It means I can slowly and gently start the process of regaining capacity.
Talking to my friend allowed me to release my emotions, ground in where I actually am, and find a level set for my day.
I know one issue for me is that all my news in this process has been extraordinarily good. Everything I’m going through could be so much worse. While all of that is true, this is still incredibly difficult, much more painful than I expected, and basically it sucks.
That doesn’t mean that what other people are going through doesn’t suck worse. It means that it shouldn’t be a comparison. I shouldn’t feel bad about feeling bad. What I’m going through is valid and legitimate. In my mind, that’s hard to accept sometimes.
Deborah's Deliberations 